I was going to write in you, tonight, Eljay. I did, if you count all the stuff I wrote and then deleted. I wrote several paragraphs, in fact, several times over! But then I deleted them all, coming to the same conclusion that I seem to always come to when I return to you after a long break: 

My thoughts are way too fluid to faithfully and coherently publish. I always end up using this stupid writing pane as a way of organizing my thoughts, but after I've written it all out and discovered what I feel I need, all the bullshit I've written has become pretty irrelevant. Once I've organized and reordered my head, I no longer see the point of hitting "Post"! 

I even debated writing this, but I feel I owe you some explanation! Feel privileged - I so rarely attempt to explain or justify my actions or feelings to others!! 


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Ugh... I'm a basketcase...

Not real. Just something I finished today while I was home sick with nothing to do.

To be sure - this isn't a self-pitiful post. I try to keep those to a BARE minimum - maybe once a year, around the holidays.

Just kidding.

Not about the self-pity thing though.

This is just something I wanted to get out of my head and into the ether. Maybe you guys will read it (though I think it'll be lengthy) and want to comment, thus making this writing two-fold productive, because feedback is always helpful, too.


So to begin, I'm having one of those evenings where I FEEL like I'm up against a wall and almost nothing seems right. I emphasize feel because I know in my logical brain that there's a big difference between that I know to be true based on REALITY - and what I perceive to be true at any given instance based on what I'm feeling at the time. I realized this tonight in my agitated state. Feeling is the ultimate reality-skewer, which only further solidifies my belief that people who base their ideas of reality on Jung's FEELING function are so messed up in the head that I don't understand how they function in daily life. But that's another rant!

The illustrate how fragile the feeling balance is, my entire shitty day began in the blink of an eye when, this afternoon, I received an email from an escrow agent that I PERCEIVED to be hostile based on the way she wrote the email. In the absence of being able to actually cut and paste her writing, I'll try and recreate it here:

( Read On... )



Anyway, to get back to the simple reason why I'm writing: I'm having one of those days where everything negative in my life seems to surface, hinged on one small interaction that on any other day might've slipped right under my radar. And while I know logically that A) nothing in my life is going to end my life and B) everything in my life is the result of MY choices, not the random influences I come into contact with, like the aforementioned instance; I can't help feeling the way I feel, which distorts for the time being my view of myself and my view of others.

I don't like feeling this way. To be frank, I don't know that I like feeling at all. Some feelings are better than others of course - happiness for instance. But even happiness distorts reality - the reality of The Is - the inherent harmony of the universe and of reality. And of Love. Most of all, Love.

But I'll end abruptly because I know I could go on forever, chasing tangent after tangent. So, g'night.

I did something today that I feel really, really terrible about.


While at the coffee shop, I was exchanging greetings with the barrista, and you know - he asked how I was. I said I was good.

Now here is where greetings banter should end in polite conversation, unless perchance someone actually asks you how your day's been, or what you did that day. You can rant and rail all you want about how politic in everyday life has become this bloated elephant in every room, keeping us from being ourselves and truly enjoying one another, but then again - if you do argue that, you're probably one of those people who can't shut up when it's expected. AND IT IS EXPECTED. It's a very precarious balance, I'll grant you, but it should be maintained to the best of one's ability.


That aside, I'll continue. So after telling him I was doing fine, I was still standing there, and I don't know what came over me. It just came out - I knew exactly what I was doing, and worse, I knew exactly why I was doing it.

Maybe that's why it bothers me so much - I'll interject - because I wasn't doing out of ignorance to the Code of Polite Conversation (CPC), but rather in direct violation of it - heading into forbidden territory with eyes wide open and malice in my heart.

But I continued. I couldn't help it. I wanted to see what it was like. I said, "played a great game of tennis this afternoon - the weather was just perfect for it."

And it happened - right in front of my eyes - I just wanted to see if it would - I knew it would - I WANTED it to happen, and I got what I wanted. And I wanna tell you - it was one of those instances where as soon as I'd done it, I wish I'd just remained ignorant of such an experience all my life. Some things you don't need to do to become a more well-rounded person. This was one of them.

He got that look on his face where suddenly, he wasn't sure what was going on. It was like he had to pretend to start caring again - like WHOOPS - put down that mask a little too soon there... He was even like, "I'm sorry, what?" Because he'd stopped paying attention to me. Which is to be expected. I don't know this guy - he doesn't know me - we're not chummy - I don't imagine we ever will be.


I violated a law to which I strictly adhere in my daily life, because I know that it's paramount to a functioning society, and I hold everyone to the same standard. It's not difficult. But I just had to pet the cat backward.

Anyway, I feel shitty about it. Hahah. So I had to get it out somewhere. Call me neurotic - you're probably right - but to anyone who's horrified, you're welcome to scorn me. I deserve it.



This is really the kind of shit I think about sometimes.

I got a job - started today. I'm back in the world of gainful employment.

I'm working through a temp agency as a Closing Assistant for the Home Mortgage department of US Bank.



I'm not generally religious, but in this instance I really do feel that God is smiling down on me. And he's speaking to me.

He's saying, "Take that, you little jaggoff."

So... No bonuses this year. In fact... no recognition at all. Just that old, familiar crack of the whip.

I do love working for a church.